Day 811 (Thursday) 29^th August 2019

Yet another beautiful day and I caught the train to Nice to teach for an hour and a half again but this was the last day with this student so other than looking after the apartments I should be having at least a week off before the adults come back – finally some time off in the sunshine, it’s been a long time coming. I had another relaxing afternoon reading in the sun while Huw did some work so I haven’t taken many beautiful photos today so I will use my spares and as I did very little today I found some French jokes – they’re not laugh out loud funny but they are quite entertaining.

The French jokes that will let you have a laugh with the locals

When it comes to jokes, the French don't have a reputation for being particularly hilarious, but in fact most people are fond of a good joke - especially ones that revolve around a play on words or some kindly mockery of other people.

If you want to get involved with joking around like a local, here are four French humour classics you could try out.

Belgian jokes

As if being taunted for losing their match in the semi-final of the 2018 Football World Cup every time they run into a French person did not suffice, Belgians also have to endure les blagues belges.

Popularised by French humourist Coluche in the 1980s, les histoires belges always portray Belgian people as simple-minded or having absurd behaviour and are very popular in France.

Pourquoi les belges n'ont-ils pas de glaçons? - Why do Belgian people do not have ice cubes? 

Parce qu'ils ont perdu la recette. - Because they lost the recipe.

Qui a inventé le sous-marin? - Who invented submarines?

Les Belges, en essayant de construire un bateau - Belgian people trying to build a boat.

Comment reconnaître un Belge dans un aéroport? - How do you spot a Belgian man in an airport?

C'est le seul qui lance du pain aux avions - He is the only one feeding bread to the planes.

Cliché-based jokes are not France's monopoly though. Dutch people also enjoy their blagues belges and Belgian people do have their own stereotypes jokes on French people as well.

Toto jokes

Les blagues de Toto are extremely popular jokes in French culture, particularly for children. These short stories always feature a young boy named Toto and are often related to his life as a primary schoolchild. Toto is always depicted as a joker and a dunce.

French people will likely hear dozens of Toto jokes in their lifetime, especially coming from kids who have a particular fondness for the character.

C’est l’histoire de la maîtresse qui demande à Toto: « Récite-moi le verbe marcher au présent. » Toto répond: « Je…marche…Tu…tu…marches… ». Mais la maîtresse le presse: «Plus vite Toto! » Ce à quoi il répond: « D'accord, je cours, tu cours, il court... »

This is the story of Toto's teacher asking him to conjugate the verb walk in the present tense. Toto answers: ''I... walk... You... you... walk...'' But his teacher pushes him: ''Quicker than this, Toto!'' to which the child answers: ''Well, I run, you run, he runs.''

Le professeur demande à ses élèves «Où poussent les dattes?»Toto lève le doigt : «Moi je sais ! Sur les calendriers !»

Toto's teacher asks the class:'' Where do dates grow?'' Toto raises his hand: ''Oh I know! They grow on calendars!''

A punny Toto joke, playing on one of the double meanings of the word propre, here 'clean' and 'proper'.

La maîtresse demande à Toto: « Dans ta rédaction, tu as écrit le mot 'savon' avec un S majuscule. Pourquoi ?» Il répond: « Ben, je pensais que c'était forcément un nom propre !»

The teacher asks Toto:'' You wrote the word soap with a capital S in your essay, Toto. Why?'' He answered:'' Because I thought it would obviously be a proper noun!''

Blonde jokes

Wherever they go, blonde women cannot seem to escape jokes revolving around their hair colour and them supposedly being dumb. And France is no exception: stereotypes around blonde-haired women and les blagues de blondes are still going strong.

Comment une blonde fait-elle pour tuer un poisson? - How does a blonde woman kill a fish?

Elle le noie. - She drowns it.

Comment faire rire une blonde le dimanche? - How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?

En lui racontant une blague le vendredi. - By telling her a joke on Friday.

And French language learners may have some sympathy with the blonde in this joke, which has the tricky subject of French plurals as the crux of the joke.

Une blonde et une brune se baladent, quand la blonde s'exclame: « Regarde, des chevals! » La brune lui répond : « Ah non, ce sont des chevaux. » La blonde, perplexe, rétorque: «Tu es sûre? Parce qu'on dirait vraiment des chevals! »

Two women, a blonde and a brunette are on a walk. Suddenly, the blonde one shouts: ''Look, some chevals!'' The brunette then says: ''No, those are chevaux.'' Perplexed, the blonde insists: ''Are you sure? Because they really look like chevals!''

Important: chevals is not a real word. The plural of cheval is chevaux, not to be confused with cheveux (hair).

Mr and Mrs jokes

Mr and Mrs jokes always have the same basic pattern, which varies according to the number and gender of children needed to create the perfect pun. This usually looks like this: ''Mr and Mrs XX have a son. What is his name?''

Anybody can come up with Mr and Mrs jokes, so here are a few examples to get you started.

Monsieur et Madame Honnête ont une fille. Comment s'appelle-t-elle?

Camille. Camille Honnête. The imaginary daughter of Mr and Mrs Honnête is transformed into a means of transportation, une camionnette - a van.

This Twitter user adds a brutal twist to the joke: ''Mr and Mrs Infertile have no child. The end.''

 

Monsieur et Madame Bonneau ont un fils. Comment s'appelle-t'il?

Jean. Jean Bonneau. Turning Jean into jambonneau, aka the knuckle of a ham.

And finally, this proud nod to the French people's poor English accent, which is particularly well-known Mr and Mrs Joke in France:

Monsieur et Madame Fly ont trois fils. Comment s'appellent-ils?

Abdul, Yves et Hakim Fly. When pronounced with a thick French accent, this combination turns into the title of the famous R Kelly song, ''I Believe I Can Fly''.

 

Andy is coming over for dinner this evening and Huw is making risotto. While we waited for him we had a glass of rose and Badger has suddenly got a nose for it

and we got a beautiful pink sky again